A female reader describes a “touchy” situation, and a male reader recounts his online-dating nightmares.

by Susan Reinhardt . photo by Rimas Zailskas

This month, I had a surprising number of male inquiries. Men read VERVE. And why not? The magazine profiles plenty of lovely and successful women. Soon after February’s article about online dating, a Weaverville man poured out his soul on the subject. And, in other matters, an Arden beauty isn’t quite “feeling the love.”

Q I need help! I’ve been separated for almost three years from a 20-year marriage to a “trophy wife.” Turns out the only trophy involved was that she got a trophy for most cosmetic surgery since Wayne Newton. When she got most of her nips and tucks done, she decided to trade me in for a newer, younger model.

A friend told me I should try Match.com. So I tried it, with interesting results. It’s not that I’m “circling the drain” or anything, but I’m definitely on the back nine, age-wise. I did, however, post a current picture on my profile, which is more than I can say for certain women.

I had a couple of experiences that made me think that computer dating just might not be the answer. I corresponded with a lady named Gertrude (that should’ve been a red flag, but her nickname was Trudy, so I figured that was OK). One of her profile pictures, the best one by far, was Trudy in a cheerleader outfit. The photo was also black and white. Anyhow, we made a date for lunch and when I arrived I saw an older woman who looked vaguely like the cheerleader, so I approached her and said, “You must be Trudy’s mom.” You can imagine how that turned out.

Lately, I’ve gotten a little discouraged. Another lady that contacted me on Match.com listed her body type as “curvy.” Big-time red flag. The other problem was that she looked like J. Edgar Hoover. She was from Kingsport, Tennessee. I know there are certain places where you’re considered a stud if you have more teeth than grandchildren, but hell, what’s a guy supposed to do?

Wondering in Weaverville

A Online dating is not for the weak or meek. One needs to realize that lies and half-truths are the norm and not the exception. People do choose their most flattering photos—even if they were snapped in pom-poms from a 1975 high school yearbook. I recommend learning to read between the lines (and you’ve at least discovered “curvy” means extra hefty.) You also need to broaden the pool. You’re fishing in one lake and coming up with carp. Go ahead and check out other online dating sites such as eHarmony or those featuring successful women. Try perfectmatch.com, chemistry.com or spark.com. Let me know what you reel in. Better yet, browse high-end food markets where the health-conscious and intelligent women cruise the aisles. Perhaps a good opening line might be: “What do you think about all of these gluten-free products?” Sexy. Hmmm.

Q I have a wonderful husband of many (25+) years, and he can literally go a WEEK without touching me—not even a little kiss on the cheek. Then, one little touch of his hand or a raise of his eyebrow and he expects me to immediately be in the mood for LOVE...not happening! I am resentful that he is only interested in me when he is interested in sex and can’t seem to find the time to show me that he loves me when it is NOT possible to have sex. What can I do? I complain to him that this just makes me feel resentful and un-loved, but he just simply isn’t a touchy, huggy, affectionate kind of fella until, well…you know. So HELP ME to feel LOVED every day, not just when the mood strikes.

Starving for Affection in Arden

A Honey, you’re not alone. Plenty of us in long-term relationships share similar resentments. Our mates pretty much treat us like the coffee table, propping their feet on our tender egos. We women love affection, especially when it’s not a prerequisite for sex. Little kisses and hugs go a long way towards making us want that ultimate physical connection, but many men don’t get it.

You could spend a lot of money on therapy, or do what I’ve done. Cut ’em off. No sex unless adequate (not overkill) attention has been paid prior to coughing up the goods. A lot of men equate sex with affection, while we’re seeking a foot rub, a little note scribbled with endearments.

Try this. Don’t try to extract affection like a bad tooth. Play it cool. Ignore him. If he hasn’t shown the love, don’t go putting out for him. He’ll learn. If not, there’s always puppy training, which works great for couples, too. Good dogs always get a treat.

More from our male readers next month. Send your love and relationship questions to Susan Reinhardt at susan@susanreinhardt.com. Remember: your identity is safe with us. We won’t use your name, and we’ll only publish the details you say are okay to run.