And other love troubles.

by Susan Reinhardt . photo by Rimas Zailskas

These local ladies can’t push, pull or coax their beaus down the aisle. Nor can they convince them to go through the drive-thru at McDonald’s. Next time, says Susan’s mama, try picking up dudes at Home Depot.

Q The guy I’m seeing (no commitment as far as I know, or at least he hasn’t made me aware of having one) saw me out with a guy friend. The guy I was out with is only a friend. But my dude got jealous and requested that I be tested for STDs. Should I tell him to beat it? And how do I get him to tell me where I stand with him? He’s so emotionally constipated.

—Steaming in Swannanoa

A First of all, you send his pompous fanny over to the clinic and tell him to pony up for his own round of STD testing. This guy is in it for the fun (and sex). If I were you, I’d just tell him to take a hike.

On the whole, emotionally corked men—and it sounds like you have one—are powder kegs waiting to blow. I’d make my best effort to find a new, mentally solid beau. Mama says the best ones are located on church pews, but I think fertile man-grounds are Lowe’s and Home Depot.

Q My FFB (Fake Fiancé Boyfriend) and I have been together for eight years, and I love him more every day. Four years ago, when he retired from the police department, he bought me a gorgeous diamond ring during a trip to St. Maarten. Although I wear it on my left hand, he never actually asked me to marry him. He’s told me many times he’d never marry again. His mantra: “I need my space.” He’s loyal and loving and would do anything for me except marry me. I don’t want to break up and start dating again. At my age (51), it’s a horror show out there. I’m soooo frustrated.

—Heartsick in Hendersonville

A He’s going to great lengths to keep her around, says Anna Frost, a licensed professional counselor supervisor in Asheville. What’s preventing him from going for it? He’s scared off—something that will probably take therapy to address. If he’s adoring and consistent and apparently in love, someone will need to help him explore why marriage is intolerable. If he’s divorced, it’s likely he’s afraid he’ll fail again.

Here’s my take: Women often want the security of marriage, but what’s the hang-up when he’s already providing that on most levels? Why not find out how the relationship can expand in some other way, as opposed to pushing him on this one topic? It may seem like a big stumbling block, but it sounds like things are humming along already—and you’ve even got a rock.

Q What do you do when your fairly young husband joins the gang of old guys that meets every Saturday in McDonald’s? You’ve seen them. They’re like retired men who need an escape from the house. They get coffee and talk about their latest bout of gout. My husband is by far the youngest of the One-Foot-In-The-Crypt crowd. How do I inspire him away from this or bring it up gently that it creeps me out?

—Waiting to Exhume in Asheville

A You might as well know that some men and women love nothing more than discussing their ailments—no matter what age. And who knows? Maybe he just likes to chit-chat over McMuffins. At least he’s not there picking up chicks. Because this dilemma is a bit tricky, I polled my best guy friend on this one. He suggests showing your husband a Mayo Clinic study that proves that inhaling grease-borne particles has the same effect on the body as second-hand smoke, thus shortening one’s lifespan. In other words, flee from all fast food gatherings. At least you might convince him to go through the drive-thru.

It’s February! Send your love and relationship questions to Susan Reinhardt at susan@susanreinhardt.com. She won’t get back to you by Valentine’s Day, but she will answer your queries in March. And remember: your identity is safe with us. We won’t use your name, and we’ll only publish the details you say are okay to run.