These would-be romances went from bad to worse.

by Susan Reinhardt . photo by Rimas Zailskas

Bad dates—especially first dates—are as common as stretch pants at the flea market. This month, we’re tackling horrific debuts and disastrous dates. An experienced expert will join in to help those who are single navigate the waters and offer suggestions on how to treat horrifying first dates and worst dates. It’s just too bad one can’t thump or squeeze the potential paramour like a melon as he appears at the front door to determine if he’s ripe…or tripe.

I have a good friend who still cringes 25 years after remembering a blind date gone awry. “I literally gagged when he tried to kiss me good night,” says Lori Crook of Asheville. “I swear his tongue felt like a rough cat tongue.”

Others have even worse memories. Mini Matthews of Asheville recalls her date from hell. Her friends convinced her to try something new, so she signed up with a Christian dating agency. “Before I knew it, I had been set up on a blind date with ‘Eric,’ the most perfect and eligible man, so I was told,” she says. When they met at a restaurant, a tall, well-dressed man with a killer bod had arrived in a new Mercedes. “When he stepped out of the car, I thought, ‘Yes! What a catch.’” Over dinner and wine, he did most of the talking. But turns out Eric was the slowest eater on earth. Three hours later, his food remained on the plate, and Matthews’ irritation was increasing. “I imagined myself diving across the table and shoving his food in his mouth, screaming at him. I was losing my mind,” she recalls.

After dinner, he asked, “Can we do this again?” But by that point, Matthews was fuming.

She thought of a way out. “I’ll have to see if I can find a babysitter for the evening,” she fibbed. “You have kids?” he asked, surprised. “Five,” Matthews said. And she never heard from Eric again.

Bad dates aren’t just the fate of women. Plenty of guys have had their fair share of damsels leaving them distressed. L.S. Grillo of Leicester took a girl and two friends (double date) to a drive-in movie. “The girl I was seeing said, ‘I need a drink, a popcorn and a hot dog.’ The people in the back wanted nothing but to open a bottle of Ripple.”

Grillo’s date all but kicked him out of the car for him to retrieve the snacks. But as he started walking back from the concession stand, he lost his way and spent a good bit of the night searching for his car. When he finally found it, his date was in the back seat throwing up Ripple (a cheap wine) and making out with another dude—mostly unclothed. “I dropped all the food on the ground, walked home and reported my car stolen,” Grillo reports, with disgust.

Syd Speer to the rescue. He’s a licensed professional counselor in Asheville. He’s also single. The first rule, according to Syd: many awful dates can be avoided if you take the pressure off both parties. “I look at first dates more like an interview, like practice with a particular outcome,” he says. Start off thinking of it as a fun try-out, not like the person you’re with has to be THE ONE. “When looking at it as a chance to practice, rather than having to get it all right, that attitude helps make people less anxious. People get better at dating the more they do it. Dating is a skill. Like playing music.”

Here’s another tip. If you can stand it, go out with the person three times before throwing the dinner napkin across the restaurant. Chances are, if the flaws aren’t raging, you’ll begin to see the person’s better qualities. “Three dates is a good strategy, provided nothing major happens on the first one,” Speer says. “Most men reveal the most about themselves around the third date.”

So: If your date eats at a snail’s pace or throws up in your car, dump that person faster than sweat pants come off a flea market floozie. But if you think there’s hope, just be patient and maybe the third date will be the charm.

Send your love and relationship questions to Susan Reinhardt at susan@susanreinhardt.com. Remember: your identity is safe with us. We won’t use your name, and we’ll only publish the details you say are okay to run.