Our in-house “love doctor” offers up bits of dating wisdom.

by Susan Reinhardt . photo by Rimas Zailskas

Dating in one’s 20s is pretty easy. You go out, decide he’s not for you and then dump the poor fellow as if he were an empty McDonald’s bag.

But when you reach your 30s and 40s, it’s not that simple. We analyze, ponder and think things over seriously before ditching a dude that may—if we dig deep enough—have some potential. Love at this age isn’t as disposable as a Bic lighter. We keep clicking, hoping a flame will rise.

Q: A man in Weaverville writes: At 40 years old and dating again, it has become clear we all have our wounds.You meet someone, you click, you want more and they become indifferent. So you meet someone else, and then the first person comes back with intent. What do you do?
Wondering in Weaverville

A: Your first potential gal had her chance and bagged out. Give this other woman a shot before circling the wagons and going back to Ms. Fickle. In my experience, if she dumped you once, she’ll find a reason to do it again. See where this new relationship goes, and if it crashes and burns, it can’t hurt to call Ms. Fickle and say: “Okay, you can have a second chance now. But this is it. No more playing around.” We all know in our hearts if someone is “into” us. Let’s not pretend something’s there if it isn’t—no matter how bad we want it to be the real thing.

Q: What do you do when every man you meet tells you how great you are and how much they enjoy spending time with you, but then they just want to be friends? Or if you have two men you’re interested in and one previously shared that he was “emotionally unavailable?” Then he shows up again, sharing more than previously?
Bruised and Confused in Asheville

A: Sounds like everyone’s dealing with fickle characters these days. Unfortunately, here’s a fact: Men often tell women how great they are to get them in the old sackaroo. Try to hold out on the Mattress Mambo until you’re sure he’s in it to win it. As for these “emotionally unavailable” types, they aren’t ready. Maybe they have “mommy” issues. Maybe they’re commitment-phobes. I say steer clear of the wishy-washy men and go for those who are ready and steady.

Q: What is the difference between real love and really having the hots for someone? Does it matter? Can there be hot enough hots to overcome some shortcomings (as long as your fire is being tended to)? Can lust be worth it?
Great Kindling in Kenilworth

A: If you want marriage and security, you’ll need real, mature love. Not lust alone. If you just want to romp around and have a good time, nothing’s wrong with keeping this hot thing on your leash. It all depends on what you want to come from this. It’s nice to have our “fires” tended, but sometimes a guy has to go for the whole hearth.

As an aside, I have a good friend who offered up some wonderful advice for this column. Here’s what she says: “As someone who survived a divorce and is now remarried, one of my realizations is how much people tend to let egos ruin relationships. When you think about it, control and power struggles are all about egos. One-upmanship and control grow into bigger things, and really, how important is it in the end?

We don’t see it coming, but these little tit-for-tat issues (such as the cap off the toothpaste) ruin your happiness. I work harder to overlook the small stuff and express my appreciation to my husband.” It’s always nice to feel appreciated. No matter where we are in the labyrinth of love.

Contact Susan with your love woes or issues at susan@susanreinhardt.com. All information is confidential.