Our experts say, stay out of it.

by Susan Reinhardt . photo by Rimas Zailskas

My face heated up as if someone had hauled off and slapped both cheeks. A girl—a vapid young thing—was messing with my best friend’s son’s life. One day the little vixen loved him; the next, she rudely called it off. She’d played more games than Alex Trebek. Eventually, she went so overboard with her emotional abuse that my friend had to rush her son (one of the nicest young men I know) into Urgent Care for his sudden, deep depression.

So, here’s the deal. How far do we go when it comes to our teens’ relationships? Do we butt out? Or jump in like growling lionesses?

My friend Shelly from Sylva says: “Leave it alone as long as it’s just between them.” She had a nightmare on her hands when her daughter broke up with a guy and the dude’s mother went wacko on her. “His mom got involved and was calling her the c-word,” Shelly says. “Not only did I let the ex-boyfriend know how and where to get off, I let the mother know: one more call and I’d be calling where she worked (as a teacher) and sharing her language with her supervisor.” After that, the evil mother fluttered away “like a little gnat,” Shelly says.

Rhonda White says if no real abuse is involved in the teen-scene tryst, she simply lends an ear. “Then I go in a room and privately rejoice that my sweet son escaped the clutches of another concubine!” Shelly can relate. “I always privately thank God,” she says. “That one got away.”

Is there midde ground? How far do we let a possibly unhealthy romance between our kids go before taking action? Luann Nelson of Asheville believes that, for the most part, it’s best to stay away. She is amazed when some parents believe it’s their duty to step in. When her daughter broke up with a nice boy, his mother started calling both she and her daughter names, she says. “It was highly peculiar. People can be really, really weird. I mean, why should anyone care if a couple of 16-year-olds who hung out for two months break up?”

Good question. It’s one that Ron Shulby, a marriage and family counselor at Central Counseling in Asheville, addresses straight on. “First, get to know the person your child is dating,” he says. Don’t come right out and ban anything. This always backfires.

“When we’re talking about adolescents and teens, it’s impossible to keep them away from the person they want,” says Shulby, also a parent. “If they are in love, they will find a way to be with that person, whether the parents are supportive or not.”

Shulby encourages parents to maintain good relationships with their kids, keeping communication open and flowing. He suggests that they carefully, gently, guide their kids toward a better path, especially if the partner seems mentally unhealthy.

Only if the child is distraught and hurting should parents plunge their noses into things. “Work with the child,” he says. “Find out why they are choosing a relationship that’s obviously so unhealthy.” Calm, assertive confrontation is often best. Cussing out the other kid’s family is never going to help.

Andrea Bishop, a licensed clinical social worker and success coach, is on the same page. “We don’t get much relationship education in this culture,” she says, pointing out that most people actually get more driver’s education. When relationships hit major snags, the parents of both teens should talk about what they expect before things go too far, she says.

Just as with adults, each teen romance is different. If it’s typical teen fickleness and no one’s ending up in a mental ward, leave things be. If the relationship oozes abuse, take action.

In an ideal world, parents would have respectful marriages and relationships that their children would mirror. Amy Duckett of Asheville has two teen boys and a grown daughter. “I try to encourage them to be good ‘boyfriends,’ since I had a few who were not,” she says. “Isn’t it our motherly duty to teach them not to be disrespectful?”

“My daughter,” she continues, “has had some breakups that were welcomed by all.”

On that note, Amen.

Send your love and relationship questions to Susan Reinhardt at susan@susanreinhardt.com. Remember: your identity is safe with us. We won’t use your name, and we’ll only publish the details you say are okay to run.