Local gals (and a sexologist) share their tips.

by Susan Reinhardt . photo by Rimas Zailskas

Let’s face it, ladies: passion wanes. Over time, keeping the romance in a relationship scorching hot is just about the toughest job of all. No time for sex or intimacy? Too much work, not enough play? Too many soccer practices and social events? It’s an old familiar rut.

If all else is going well, though, it’s time to take matters into your own hands (so to speak). At this juncture, says clinical psychologist Kelley Wolfe, a relationship can either fizzle or fire up. You don’t have to settle for humdrum, she says, when a few tweaks can keep your sex life soaring.

Wolfe, 44, is a mother of two and has been happily married for 15 years. She specializes in sex education and finds that relationships lacking hanky panky and intimacy are much more likely to succumb to doom.

Keeping love alive is the most frequent issue her clients present to her. The classic example: “A woman may come in and say, ‘I wake up and just want to be horny, and I never am,’” says Wolfe. Her first tip is to help women understand how to cultivate sexual desire in themselves.

Sometimes, that’s as simple as getting compliments from their partners. For others, it’s getting small gifts or kicking back while their mate unloads the dishwasher. Nothing like your partner doing domestic chores to crank up a crotchety libido. “We need to recognize what it is that puts sex on the brain,” Wolfe says. “For some, it may be viewing erotic materials. Sometimes, it’s just pampering oneself and doing things that make us feel sexy.” Then, the next step is telling your partner loud and clear that when he or she does these things, it’s likely to lead to more sparks in the bedroom.

Yoga is the natural sex booster for Wolfe, who says that when she works out, she’s pleased with her body in the mirror. “Do things that keep you confident and feeling good about yourself,” she advises.

An unromantic move but a necessary one: schedule sex. “There are times when family and work get in the way and we have to manage our time,” Wolfe says. Putting the kids on the bus and then staying in bed, or working late, sometimes does the trick. Or, plan a nooner instead of eating lunch out. She also prescribes what she calls “maintenance sex”: just doing it anyway, even when you have a lot going on. It’s like exercise—something you might dread doing, but once it’s done, you feel better and closer to your partner.

Prior to talking to Wolfe, I polled some of my friends and asked them the big question: “How do you keep love alive?”

Deborah Wilson-Pustorino of Gerton says: “Place no expectations on the one you love, and take each day as a new one to explore and share together all of life’s ups and downs.” For Kelli Conner of Ridgecrest, her husband’s massive heart attack awakened her sense of urgency: “I almost lost the love of my life, but by the grace of God and our son’s CPR skills, he is still with me. Never take your loved ones for granted.”

The most important love factor for Cecile Medford of Clyde is to love unconditionally and never allow others to interfere with the relationship. This includes in-laws, friends and co-workers. And while my friend Donald Phillips isn’t local but from Ohio, he had some excellent insight on the topic. “A touch, a caress, a remembrance… attributing value to opinions, attention to detail... Lingering on the phone to hear every syllable. Putting the (toilet) seat down, making the bed, cooking supper. Speaking kindness in words of love might be the starting point for a new chapter in ‘forever.’”

Personally, I loved all these suggestions but could relate best to Becky Fain’s. She’s an innkeeper in Waynesville. She says: “Always bring me coffee first thing in the morning.”

Send your love and relationship questions to Susan Reinhardt at susan@susanreinhardt.com. Remember: your identity is safe with us. We won’t use your name, and we’ll only publish the details you say are okay to run.