Tired of casual dates? Basha Kaplan’s tips for finding The One.

Basha Kaplan didn’t take a traditional path to marriage, and she’s glad she didn’t. It’s not that she didn’t believe in marriage—she remembers wanting to get married all her life, even as a little girl. But in her 20s and 30s, she was busy finishing her training in clinical psychology and setting up private practices in Chicago, New York City and Naples, Florida. She had plenty of dates—dashing men who ended up being terrible for her in the end. “As a therapist, I saw so many people being unhappily married,” she says. “I decided I’d rather be single than unhappily married.” 

Along the way, she met psychologist Jeffrey Kaplan and knew right away he was more than a fling. She felt he was, in fact, her soul mate. They got married when Basha was 48, and moved to Asheville four years ago. After many years on the dating scene, how did she know he was the one? We asked Basha, co-author of Soul Dating to Soul Mating: On the Path Toward Spiritual Partnership, for advice on weeding out the Mr. Wrongs.

How does one start looking for a soul mate? Can you find one online? 

The big problem for most people, especially online, is they don’t know how to present themselves. They’re not authentic and honest. They play games. They lie about their weight or what they do for a living or how they look. If what you want is a life partner, you have to be authentic. You can answer online ads, but be authentic. And remember: a great date doesn’t necessarily make a great mate.   

Once you meet up, how can you tell if a person isn’t soul-mate material?

Start by sharing something that’s not necessarily uplifting, like, “It hasn’t been a great day for me,” and see how he or she responds. If somebody’s just there in the good times—they don’t really want to hear about your bad day—rule them out.

What mistakes do women make when they’re looking for a marriage partner as opposed to just a date?

First, you can’t be with someone wonderful until you love who you are. It takes quite a bit of time to work on yourself before you can find the right match. If you’re too needy, you’re not going to be in a good place to find a partner. A lot of women have a fantasy that a man is going to rescue her. It’s just not true. The most important thing is that your partner knows you really are a whole person. 

To learn more about Basha and Jeffrey Kaplan, go to www.soulmating.com.